The week in DF started promisingly enough. As noted in my last post, I had a lovely dinner with F on Wednesday, where we had a good discussion that seemed to be the basis of a rapprochement. He also wanted to meet L and hang out with us over the weekend. All good signs.
On Thursday, as it turned out, Julio was available for dinner, so I met him at his gallery, and we walked to a nearby crepe place in La Condesa. We had a wonderful time. He told me all about his challenges with his father, and we caught up on mutual friends. I was also able to share my stories about F, our breakup, and our dinner the prior night. Since we’d both been through a rather difficult six months, the commiseration flowed. This was also the first time I had dined tete a tete with Julio, and I quite enjoyed his company. It turns out he’s exactly my age, and he’s had an interesting life. We had a lot to talk about.
The following day, Friday, I was to meet up with L, my friend from Geneva after she finished her consulting gig. F agreed to meet us for dinner. Now F speaks little English, while L doesn’t speak Spanish. However, she’s facile with languages, and does speak Italian and French fluently, and has been giving Spanish a “go.” F, for his part, had learned Italian some years back, which is easy if you’re starting from Spanish. I took a semester of Italian in college, but no more, due to the impossibility of keeping it separate from Spanish in my mind. So we had an amusingly tri-lingual evening. L and F conversing in Italian, with me mostly getting what they were saying, but unable to add much. F and I conversed in Spanish, while L was able to get our drift, with me translating some of the trickier bits. And L and I spoke in English, which F was sort of able to follow along with, especially with me providing partial translations. Despite the language barriers, F and L got along well, and we all had a good time. Since L had never seen el Centro Historico, we decided to have dinner at Restaurante Café de Tacuba, which we love despite its touristy-ness. It does serve good, authentic Mexican food, and they make a mean margarita too.
Saturday, F had a meeting in the morning, so L and I spent most of the day together. We started with lunch on the rooftop of the Holiday Inn, Zócalo, which overlooks the Zócalo from the sixth floor, and serves decent food. Though it’s a smidgen pricey, the view is worth it. We then went to the Templo Mayor, saw the ruins, and toured the museum. F joined us later, and we did a bit more sightseeing, before dining at Los Girasoles. Again the vibe was good, and at one point when F went to the bathroom, L leaned over and said, “I think he does love you.” I thought so to, but her opinion made me feel better about things.
Sunday, we agreed to meet for breakfast, but L had to work later. Thus F and I would have the afternoon to ourselves. This worked out for me, as I had begun to question the wisdom of combining the rapprochement trip with the seeing-L-in-Mexico-City trip. That afternoon, F and I had fun together, a nice dinner, though not any terribly substantive conversations. It was kind of like old times. When we said goodbye, we agreed I’d come to DF after Christmas, and we’d have some deeper conversations and see where we stood. I was happy with this arrangement, and flew back to Boston the following morning thinking that we were on the way toward healing. This made me happy because despite our issues I love F very much, and would like to continue with him, albeit on different terms.
The following week, things seemed more or less normal. F and I swapped text messages during the day, and were basically back in touch. We hadn’t been able to chat via Skype as he was very busy with finals, grading papers, etc. But the text messages flowed, and I felt like things were beginning to heal somewhat.
By last week, I felt pressed to finalize my holiday travel plans. Because I’m from San Francisco, I always go there for Christmas. For the past seven years, I’ve flown from San Francisco to DF after Christmas, and stayed there until New Year’s day, or thereabouts. Late Wednesday, I finally tracked Francisco down via WhatsApp, and tried to plan the post-holiday trip. But the conversation went around and around and around in circles, seemingly going nowhere. Finally, I said, “I’m just trying to pick some dates. I hope we can have a real conversation in person when I’m there.” The conversation went around a few more loops.
Finally, he just said it. “It’s probably better if you don’t come to DF yet. It’s just too soon.”
I was stunned. “I thought we already had this more-or-less decided.”
“I know. I still truly love you. And when we were together, it felt like the breakup never happened. But it did happen. And now I’m afraid if we get back together, it’ll be a false start, and we’ll end up hurting each other more.”
“I really don’t know what to say. I’m sorry sweetie. I love you forever, and I want to try to make this work, but I feel like you want me to beg you to take me back,” I said.
“No, I don’t want you to beg. I love you too. But I just need time. And I need to go now. My battery is running down, and I still have a load of papers to grade.”
“OK, so we’re nowhere then?” I said.
“No, I guess we have still arrived at nothing,” he replied.
“I love you. From afar. Kisses.”
“I love you,” he replied.
And that was our last communication. After that, I was crushed. I felt like we had broken up all over again, with all the same raw feelings coming back in an unwanted rush. Moreover, he’s going to be crazy busy until Easter, or thereabouts, so after Christmas was the best chance to see him for a long while. And given that we first broke up in June, Easter will be almost a year later.
So I think we’re over. And now come the platitudes. “Everything happens for a reason.” “It’s probably for the best.” “You two did have a lot of differences.” “He’s never going to change.” Blah, blah, blah.
Intellectually, I’m with the platitudes. Emotionally, I’m just processing. But I am reminded of the quote from Khalil Gibran.
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
So I will recoup, and I will heal, and hopefully another day will dawn where I can again test how much joy I can contain.
___________________________
P.S. This post was a long time in coming because I’ve been mildly under the weather for the past week or so.
El Gringo Suelto 
The very next time I read your site, I hope that it doesnt fail me as much as this one. What i’m saying is, I know it was my choice to read, on the other hand actually believed youd get something intriguing to say. Almost all I pick up is a bunch of whining regarding something that you may fix in case you werent too busy trying to find attention.
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Well, I hope you enjoy some of the other posts more. Otherwise, check out the links to the side. Most of those blogs are more interesting than this one. Saludos.
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Argh! Kim, it’s spam! Delete it, delete it! I’ve had dozens, exactly the same text.
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OK, but since I’ve already created links to it, and commented on it, I’ve done the next best thing. I just deleted the associated hyperlink, so it won’t lead anywhere. It’s now “neutered” spam. (It did land in the spam box originally, so perhaps Askimet is smarter than I am.)
Some of the handbag spam was actually hilarious. I was tempted to publish it, but ultimately deleted it.
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Hey Kim… how’s it going? I just wanted to check in and wish you a Happy Happy Chrismas
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I’m good. I’m at my brother’s house in the SF Bay Area, hanging out with him, sister in law, and college-age nieces. All’s good. Thanks so much for the kind thought!
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I started reading your blog a couple months ago, and your story hits very close to home. In 2011 my partner of 17 years passed away. In happier times, he used to joke that if he went first, he would stick around until he found someone for me. Several months after his death, I took an escape trip to Mexico City. Well, I can’t help but thinking that he was pulling strings, because on that trip I met, by the most coincidental of circumstances, a wonderful guy. Since then I have been making frequent trips to Mexico City, and he has visited me in the U.S. a couple times. We love each other very much, and someday down the road we want to get married, and he wants to move up here. So, when I read about your breakup, it made me very sad. No one can foresee the future… maybe F will come around, or maybe you will find a new love with whom you can make a life. Either way I wish you all the very best. Stay strong during this difficult time.
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Hi William, Thanks for reading! I’m so sorry to hear about your late partner. Such a loss must be very difficult to take. I’d love to hear more about your new love from DF, though. I’ve found the gay community there to be VERY friendly, and lots of fun. If you’ve never been to Gay Pride in DF, you must go. It is the world’s best party, and probably one of the biggest Gay Pride celebrations on the planet.
As for F, I’m starting to heal. Last week reopened the wound, but it was a wound that occurred in June, so it had already started to heal somewhat. I think he will some day come to regret his decision, but we have to live life in the present, so that’s what I’m trying to do. Thanks for reading, and I hope to hear from you again. Saludos.
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Thanks, Kim. It was a very rough year, but I found happiness when I least expected it. Both my guy and I are rather private people so I’m not going to go into great detail about him here. He rarely goes out to the gay bars in DF, but on that particular night in 2011, a friend had invited him to go out to the anniversary party at one of the bars. His friend never showed up, and he was about to leave, when I walked in. For some reason he felt compelled to converse with me (like I said, it seemed as if someone were pulling strings), and that’s how it all started. I told myself it was too soon to start a relationship, and that a long distance relationship would be too difficult. But when I started crying at the thought of going home, I knew that I had fallen.
I too have a blog although I don’t discuss much of my private life. I just added your blog to my blog list. Perhaps you would like to take a look at mine, and maybe even add it to your list. The address is:
http://ilovemexico2013.blogspot.com
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Hi William, thanks for the follow-up post. I used to be a private person, LOL… Then I started writing about my love life on my blog, so I guess I am no longer. That said, I definitely had my doubts about this post. But people have been incredibly supportive, and it was oddly cathartic to write it. I’m going to take a look at your blog now. Saludos.
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I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. Said too much? Nay, you are amongst friends. I have no advice though. Not any good advice, anyway. I used to do what Steve did, and high tail it. These days I just do what I’m told. We’re just about to pass the 8 year mark into the ninth year. Thankfully itch free, so far.
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Thanks for the kind words, Gary. But you seem to have done pretty well with Mrs. P, so hopefully you won’t ever suffer the “itch.”
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Lots of advice here. I can only think this:
I wish that I had the power
To make these feelings stop
I lose all self control
In matters of the heart.
Tracy Chapman
Buckle up your seat belt hombre.
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Thanks John. Since this is the second time for us to break up, it’s not a total shock either. So I’m beginning to feel better. I’m also on the West Coast with my oldest and dearest friend, so he’s also helping me process. Saludos.
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Kim, this post was very intense. I felt your pain through your words. I am not good at relationships, so I won’t give any advice, just my sympathies.
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Thanks, Laurie. My dear friend G (who’s also from New Orleans) says that the only way out of this is through it.
I think she’s right.
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Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.
-Thomas Merton
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Thanks for the comment. I’ll have to keep that in mind. Saludos.
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I know this sounds SO corny…but even though you’re hurting now and will for a while, you have to think of the big picture. So here it goes, “And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make”. Lennon/McCartney
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Well, let’s hope that’s true. I’ve given a lot of love, and i have no regrets. Thanks for commenting.
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There is something to that “seven-year itch” people talk about. If you make it past three months, you’re home free until that seven-year mark. That’s my crackpot theory anyway. Anyway, it’s easy to feel the love when you’re touring around in a romantic, beautiful city and dining out in atmospheric restaurants, but then everyday life returns, and those feelings can be hard to sustain. It’s co-existing through dull, everyday stuff that really tests a relationship, isn’t it?
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There really is something to that 7 year itch. This relationship lasted seven an a half years. The prior one six, and the one before that lasted eight. That would put the average at just about seven.
Let’s hope that I meet “Mr. Forevermore” next.
As for the mundane, F and I have spent plenty of time at his place cooking, doing laundry, hanging it up to dry, grocery shopping, etc. So it’s not like the whole thing was one long adventure through Pueblos Mágicos or World Heritage sites, though we had more of that than the average.
Saludos.
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All the areas, restaurants and so on that you mentioned in this post and photographed while in DF are ones I too have visited… So you provided me with a trip down Memory Lane. The pain of not having your feelings reciprocated is something very long-ago for me but I can recall some relationships that took their toll… 37 years ago (almost 38) I met my husband and I wondered why on earth I had put so much energy into men with “issues.” It just isn’t worth it. Look for someone who deserves you… he’ll come along when you least expect him to.
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Thanks, Joanna, that’s very good advice.
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PS. Someday when we meet, I really want to hear the whole story about how you met Jorge and how you decided to move south.
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Read her book Magic Made in Mexico! It’s fabulous, and tells the whole story.
(I’m not commenting re F because I always choose badly when it comes to relationships, so there’s no advice here to be had. I just wish your heart didn’t hurt.)
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Well, that’s another good reason to read that book, then. Thanks for the thoughts on F. I’m not sure there’s really anything to be done, sadly.
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I am certainly not going to give any advice — especially in the area of relationships, where my specialty is running away. But I am not a Pollyanna, either. Every split is bad. They leave scars. Thankfully, in my case, they leave no regrets. But that is because I had my feelings removed decades ago. Probably in law school.
My best suggestion? Let’s get together for dinner soon. It won’t make you feel any better. But it will be another step on the road to Doing Something Else.
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Steve, thanks. There will be scars, but I truly believe that it is better to have loved and lost than not loved at all. I’m still thinking about your suggestion of exploring Guadalajara and Chapala together. I’ll e-mail you when I get closer to a possible departure date, but I’m thinking somewhere in the late-January to mid-February timeframe, very tentatively.
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Now you’re on the right track.
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Wow, you really did spill out your heart in that post. Felipe may have had that right. Give yourself some space, some healing time. You had a good seven years, and maybe it was time.
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Yeah, even as I was writing it, and now as comments come in, that line from the R.E.M. song “Losing My Religion” keeps running through my mind — “Oh no, I’ve said too much, I’ve said enough.”
On the other hand, as Christine alluded to, I’ve also not delved too much into the whole “he said/he said” thing either.
Thanks for the comment. Just writing this was somewhat cathartic.
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Well, I love to give advice, but without knowing why you two broke up in the first place I will just say, “Que lastima!” I hope you can do something over the Holidays that makes you feel happy. I wonder what L. says about it?
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Well, I don’t want to go into TOO much detail here about exactly why we broke up, though I’m shocked at how much I’ve already written. But let’s just say that I think I took the relationship a lot more seriously than he did.
L is sorry for us both and as an unmarried woman of a certain age, she also deeply empathizes.
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I think I took the relationship a lot more seriously than he did.
The truth slipping from your lips.
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I think I’m pushing my own boundaries in terms of revealing personal information with this post. But I think it might be better stated to say, I was willing to put more energy into the relationship than he was.
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