Like the jagged mountains surrounding Tehuacán, Mexico City, and most other cities in the Mexican Altiplano, the emotional landscape has also been up, down, rocky, and unpredictable. I arrived Monday, the 14th, after managing a 13-hour drive from Monterrey. When I walked into the store where he works, Edgar was obviously overjoyed to see me. And for my part, I was overjoyed to see him. The pleasure was double as I had not expected to be able to make the journey in such a short time. But as I passed my planned stopping points early in the day — San Luis Potosí at 1:00 PM, Querétaro at 3:30 — Tehuacán by nightfall began to seem more and more possible. And indeed it was. I arrived around 8:00 PM, extremely happy to be a day early.
Edgar and I dined with some friends, then went back to his place. The progress was impressive. He had managed to repaint the living/dining room, put up curtains, make some progress in the garden, and also paint the bedroom. A new dining table and mirror graced the dining room, and the whole place had the air of someplace livable. The cockroach infestation that had so worried me was banished, much to my surprise and delight. I was impressed. When I left at the end of May, the place was still very much a work in progress, partially painted, dirty, and frankly, somewhat depressing. Now it was transformed. When we arrived, we sank into a deep embrace and cuddled until morning.
During the week, Edgar went to his job and I worked from here on my laptop. In the evenings I’d pick him up at work, and we’d take a stroll around the plaza. A couple of times we ate out, but I also cooked for him, introducing him to such novelties as capellini with lemon-wine-garlic sauce, fettuccine a la carbonara, and a variety of wines, and a “gringo margarita,” made with Cointreau and lime juice instead of margarita mix. We were very lovey-dovey, and the situation was seemingly idyllic.
Sure, there had always been big differences between us. The one that stuck in my mind was the age difference. Edgar is much younger than me, something that concerned me from the get-go. “Please don’t judge me by my age,” he begged me. “I’m an old soul; I have lots of older friends. I’d rather be with someone older than myself.” I agreed that it’d be unfair to judge him on his age alone, though the worry continued with me, unspoken. There was also the cultural difference. Not only was I a Gringo, but a big-city Gringo, a cosmopolitan, super-rational Gringo. Edgar grew up in a small town in Oaxaca state, and while he’s smart and savvy, that combined with his youth put some distance between us too. Perhaps more importantly, he has a very different world view, one based on ideas like Chinese astrology, feng shui, and other such things. While I’m not averse or hostile to such ideas, as I said, I’m pretty rational, fact-based, and scientific in my outlook. I enjoy things like astrology, feng shui, and the like for fun, but for me they can never be a governing factor. I will always take important decisions based on some kind of rational evaluation of the facts and circumstances; that’s just the way I am.
Friday we had a clash of world views. For me, it had been a somewhat stressful week of work in unfamiliar and still somewhat uncomfortable surroundings. There’s no air conditioning here and it can get uncomfortably warm in the afternoons, though not intolerably so. When I went to pick up Edgar from work, he said, “I have something to tell you.” He seemed very excited.
“What is it?” I asked, brimming with curiosity.
“I’ll tell you when we have dinner.”
We decided to eat at “La Lonja,” an oddly-named restaurant facing Tehuacán’s Parque Juarez, or its main plaza. Though “La Lonja” was named after a local sports writer, “lonja” in Spanish translates roughly to “spare tire,” the kind that can form around your middle if you’re not careful. Odd thing to name a restaurant, even if it is also the name of a beloved sports writer.
“So what’s the news?” I asked after we had settled in.
“They’re going to sell the store where I work. I want to buy it. It’ll be perfect and I can transform it into a spiritual center on top of what it is now.” The store where Edgar works is a one-of-a-kind store dedicated to spiritual renewal, and its main product lines include angel figurines, incense, crystals, self-help books, and the like. It’s a store that’d be right at home in Berkeley, CA, Melrose Blvd in LA, or somewhere in New York’s Village. Edgar was very excited by the prospect, and I have to confess that I was also excited for him, though I wondered how he’d pull off the purchase.
As it turns out, I know A LOT about investing in retailers, having spent most of my career working on exactly that question. So I started to talk to Edgar about the financial aspects of such a transaction. He’d have to know about the annual sales, the sales trend, the cost of goods, gross profit, fixed costs such as salary, rent, utilities, etc. All of this is basic to successfully buying a store and running it.
Unfortunately, looking at the transaction from a financial perspective horrified him. He assured me that his intuition said it’d work, and that he didn’t need to worry about all of that. Not surprisingly, I disagreed, saying that while a spiritual mission was a beautiful thing for such a store, there were certain financial “laws of physics” that he would not be able to afford to ignore. And at the very least, he should know what the various financial metrics meant, even if they were not determinative for him. The debate continued heatedly, and I got mad. I thought, “how could someone possibly consider buying a store without at least understanding the financial aspect?” For his part, I’m sure he thought that I was being a big, wet blanket to turn his dream into a compendium of financial statements, numerical analyses, and debt covenants.
And then the gulf of differences between us became stark.
“I’m not having fun here,” I said. “This is never going to work between us. We have too different of a worldview on top of all the other differences. And I can’t really see myself living forever in Tehuacán, and if you buy a business here, you can’t leave.” We finished the meal in silence. On the way back to his place, I told him I needed to leave. He sat silently, tears running down his face. I felt a combination of anger, disappointment, and like I was a miserable sod for raining on his parade. But I never would have forgiven myself either had I just let him go ahead without some input on the financial aspect of the deal.
When we got home, we embraced and collapsed onto the the floor sobbing and cried together for a good half hour. I apologized. He apologized. We agreed I’d at least spend the night and we’d see what happened the next day. We went to bed, exhausted from the week, physically and emotionally drained by our dispute.
Saturday, we had a long talk in the morning and basically kissed and made up. We felt renewed and revitalized. I loved him more than ever, and I think the feeling was mutual. He went off to his Tai Chi class, and I went out to shoot some pictures and to pick up stuff for dinner. We had agreed that I’d make us a romantic dinner and that we’d celebrate surviving our first “bronca,” or dispute.
The dinner was amazing. It was like we had never fought. Or that we had fought, but that it had made us realize how much we really loved each other. We felt renewed with hope for the future. We were even able to talk more rationally about the store.
Sunday we decided to go to the Balneario de San Lorenzo, a natural spring with several outdoor pools. We played and splashed in the water, and both felt relaxed and refreshed. After about an hour and a half, Edgar told me that the water had calmed him and put him in touch with his spirit and that he had something to tell me.
“We really should break up. You know I haven’t dated anyone in four years, and in my heart, I’m really a solitary person. I want to be at home, and I want to paint, meditate, write, garden and study. I feel like having a partner is a burden, and obligation. I really really love you, and you will always be special to me. But I just don’t think I’m ready, and I’m probably not cut out to be in a relationship.”
Oddly I took this very calmly. At some level it seemed abstract, like a discussion of someone else’s relationship. But it was the end. For good. And as the afternoon progressed, it sank in. We’d soon go our separate ways.
There’s still a lot of love between us. We agreed I’d stay here until today, due to various logistical concerns and that we’d remain boyfriends until I left. We still care deeply for each other, and we parted in tenderness and without rancor. But it’s a painful reminder that it takes more than mutual love to have a successful relationship.
So I will now leave Tehuacán with sadness in my heart. Even at this late date I am unsure of my plans. I may spend tonight in DF, and then move on to Guadalajara, which I’ve never seen. After that? I probably need to head home to Boston to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I am tremendously fortunate to have the freedom I do, but it also comes with the heavy responsibility of not really being able to “coast.” Everything I do must be with intention because there’s no real flow to go with. And I need to come to terms with Mexico. Do I finally after years of considering it take the plunge and move here? Or do I recommit to Boston? One thing I have learned these past few years is this. It is very hard to live in two places at once because you’re constantly disappointing friends in either place, and constantly unsettled. So if nothing else a period of heightened introspection lies ahead. Wish me luck. Saludos.
Jump to the next post from this trip.
John Calypso said:
By now it has pretty much all been said by you and your readers. Love has more influences than probably any other issue or thought. All the body parts are involved – seldom is there anything with such a dynamic. Your experience is uniquely yours in this instance – yes, many before you have been down similar roads – but it means not. I am reading along and I do wish the best through all life’s adventures. You are a fine fellow who I believe will know when it is right.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Thanks, John. Really there’s no need to say anything new. Alas, the story itself is as old as mankind. But yours and the comments of others are very comforting. Saludos.
LikeLike
babsofsanmiguel said:
Nothing ventured is nothing gained. I know you’re glad you had the love experience.
A new gift is now having the time to see other parts of Mexico! The door is open, enjoy.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Thanks, Barbara. Unfortunately I can’t spend the rest of my life traveling, but I’ll be here for a while yet and will definitely see Guadalajara before I go. Thanks for stopping by, and saludos.
LikeLike
Charles said:
Lo siento mucho amigo…estoy sin palabras…I think back on our e-mail correspondence regarding the differences in the dynamics of relationships down here…due in large part to the culture and mores I think…but it is what it is. As I told you, I am very lucky…I took a major gamble against all odds…and won big time…but unfortunately that is not the case most of the time in this crazy world.
You will be fine…Edgar will be fine…no one can ever take away from either of you what you have shared…sometimes it’s very difficult to remember that it’s all about the journey rather than the destination.
Take care…continue your journey with no regrets…and smile at the memories you were fortunate enough to gather…abrazzos fuertes…and write when you get work!
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Charles! Thanks for the kind words. I think you have a very special situation, and you’re lucky that it continues to work well. And yes, I’ll be fine, we’ll all be fine. These are just some of the bumps and bruises we all get along the way. As for work, I have work. I just need to do it, LOL. Saludos y un abrazo.
LikeLike
Lee said:
This relationship, and the experience, was a gift. You got to experience love, longing and companionship and then when it was time to end, it did. And it ended as cleanly as it ever could. You can see that there’s no “bad guy” here, just two well-intentioned individuals.
As for this left-brain/right-brain stuff, I’ll never really know where I fall on the rational-to-mystical spectrum. All I know is that spreadsheets give me as much of a headache as drum circles and crystals.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Lee! Indeed the relationship was a gift. We had some very lovely times together. And I’ll do my best to keep you away from either drum circles or spreadsheets, though the former are much easier to avoid. Saludos!
LikeLike
redshoesarebetterthanbacon said:
Edgar did you a favor. There were too many chasms – age, economic and social status, education, world view, geography, and history – for this relationship to be anything more than a fling.
Look back and remember the good times, but move on. You can do better. And you will. Put some more space between the end of your last relationship and a new one next time. Give yourself some breathing space and let those wounds heal.
There are plenty of boyfriends in this world, and, in time, you’ll find the right one. Just don’t rush in because some cute guy’s making eyes at you. You have a lot to offer, and you don’t need to be hooking up with the first dude who comes your way. I know, I know, what I’m writing’s gonna fall on deaf ears, but I have to say it.
You’ve got some time left on your car permit. Drive around Mexico, visit places you haven’t seen before, and return to places you’d like to see again. Take it all one day at a time, and relax. Don’t give romance, boyfriends, and relationships a single thought. After all, what would Scarlett O’Hara do?
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Jennifer: Given the stir you caused on the post where I introduced Edgar, I was wondering if you’d comment on this one, and what you’d have to say. I can’t disagree with you. But of course, matters of the heart only take partial direction from the head. And of course one’s next relationship can hardly be planned. So I’ll keep living each day and doing my best. As noted above, I don’t have any regrets. Saludos and thanks for your insights.
LikeLike
blackdogblog said:
I would love you to come to the coast (Mazatlan) after visiting Guadalajara but please don’t come while I’m gone! I am heading to the US, back on the 3rd! Stay with us, we have room! Please come, the humidity, crush of humanity on the beaches and the support of your amigos here (:-))
will help, I’m sure! xoxo Paul and Nancy
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Paul and Nancy! I definitely want to come to Mazatlán and see you all. Unfortunately after nearly 20 years in Boston where cold, rather than hot, is the ever-present danger, I don’t handle hot and humid so well any more. Hopefully I can come some cooler time. Saludos and have a great trip.
LikeLike
Tancho said:
You have many friends down here, and a lot more beautiful country to visit and see! Sometimes it is better to check things out by ones self, this may be that time.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Tancho. Yes, I am blessed to count folks such as yourself as friends here. And there’s definitely more to see. Sometimes I think I should buy a Dodge Sprinter, equip it for sleeping and spend more time doing this. But as you might imagine, I’m a bit uncertain now as to what I want my next step to be. Saludos and thanks for stopping by.
LikeLike
Debi said:
Don’t be sad, all relationships are meant to happen, not all are meant to last forever. You had a good time, you had something special. It was good!
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hi Debi! I have no regrets. I firmly believe its better to have loved and lost than not loved at all. Saludos and thanks for commenting.
LikeLike
Croft said:
Kim, it was a sad story to read, it must have been very hard to write. I am sure we can all feel your pain but if anything positive can be said it is that your significant differences came to light early in the relationship. You must add this experience to your life lessons and carry on. Nobody ever said the road of life is not without topes!
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Croft: Writing this post was sad, but it was also oddly therapeutic. I felt better the minute I hit the “publish” button. Saludos and thanks for stopping by.
LikeLike
Florentino Gutiérrez said:
Hello, Kim… I started to read your post and continued reading but at the same time wishing that something like a power outage or an urgent meeting could prevent me from getting to the end of it. My heart is a mix of emotions — I’m feeling sad because you guys have decided to go different ways, but at the same time I’m happy that the decision to break up was made with a clear mind and a calm heart. I have to recognize that Edgar was very honest and assertive — many young men would have preferred to lie.
My heart is with you, my dear friend. I’m sure you will smile again, you’re such a strong man and also very fortunate. Though brief, this romance was one more beautiful gift from this land that I’m sure you’ll never forget. Whatever your future plans are, I’m with you. Te mando un fuerte abrazo, mi querido y gringo amigo.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Tino! I specifically thanked Edgar for his honesty and willingness to treat me with respect. I’ve suffered far more dishonest breakups and they hurt far more. Thanks for your friendship an support. Un fuerte abrazo.
LikeLike
William said:
Kim, I am so sorry. I just wrote you an e-mail.
Cuídate mucho.
Saludos y abrazos,
Bill
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Bill: I just answered your email. I count myself lucky to call you a friend. Un fuerte abrazo, amigo.
LikeLike
Cat said:
Kim, I am so sorry about you and Edgar. 😦 But, from what I have observed, you have a lot of people in Mexico who would love to see you! Don’t run back to Boston yet, stay there and do a bit more traveling around. I think your #1 love is Mexico and after that, who knows? Good luck mi amigo!!!
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Cat! I have very mixed feelings in the topic of staying. I’ve already taken 10 weeks of vacation this year plus a few days now. I really feel like I need to work. Yet I’m already here and I DO love Mexico. We’ll see. Saludos.
LikeLike
Marc said:
Sorry it didn’t work.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Marc: thanks for the condolences. In the famous words of Gloria Gaynor,I will survive. Saludos.
LikeLike
Felipe Zapata said:
My God, you know of Gloria Gaynor? Were you even born in her time?
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Felipe: I’ve boogied to more than one Gloria Gaynor song in a disco, back in the days when discos actually played disco music. Saludos.
LikeLike
ladyofthecakes said:
Oh man. This post had me at the edge of my seat! I don’t mean to sound insensitive, I realise that my “entertainment” came at a heavy cost to you. Sorry it didn’t work out with you and Edgar 😦
I’m a lot like you, I think. All this airy-fairy-crystals-and-angels stuff is not something I can buy into. I was open to it at one point in my life, but in the end, I must confess that I was left less than impressed with the majority of people I met who subscribed to this outlook on life. One of my best friends is quite into it, but she’s also got a sound practical side. Plus, of course, she’s a friend and not a partner – an important difference.
“I am tremendously fortunate to have the freedom I do, but it also comes with the heavy responsibility of not really being able to ‘coast.’ Everything I do must be with intention because there’s no real flow to go with.” – I feel that I can also really relate to this. Same “problem” here. A lot of freedom, but having to propel myself forward through my own efforts all of the time is very tiring. I’m feeling a bit stuck at the moment. I know what needs to be done, and I think I’m finally at the point where I’ve gathered enough impetus to make some much-needed changes.
Anyway, I’m curious to see which route you’re going to take….
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Simone: no need to feel bad about being entertained. I don’t write this blog to bore people and it’s always fascinating (at least to me) to get a glimpse into someone else’s love life, however disastrous, LOL. Saludos and thanks for commenting.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
PS. I didn’t think of it while I was writing, but yes, you as a freelancer also have some of the same challenges I do. I’m curious to see where you go next.
LikeLike
Peter said:
Life is a bumpy place, always will be. Enjoy your freedom and take your time. I feel you’ll always have a friend in Edgar. That is good fortune.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Peter: I still love Edgar, and I’ve gained more respect for him. I think we’ll be friends in the future. Saludos and thanks for stopping by.
LikeLike
Felipe Zapata said:
Living in Mexico is like living in Alice’s Wonderland. It bears scant resemblance to life above the border. Your experience is one example.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Felipe: Your comment is true, and I’ve spent enough time here to know it. Yet despite the fact that I expect it, it always surprises me because I never know in which form it will arrive, or when.
That said, given Edgar’s age and the other factors noted, I’m not too surprised, only sad. Saludos and thanks for stopping by.
LikeLike