Dateline: Pátzcuaro, Michoacán
It’s a miracle that I am still alive to write this post, and I thank the providence of God that He has allowed me to continue not only my journey, but my life. You see, I narrowly escaped the “HORRORS of PÁTZCUARO.” Though not nearly as infamous, Pátzcuaro shares many things in common with Ciudad Juarez, just over the river from El Paso, Texas. An arid, featureless landscape. Myriad abandoned buildings. An inhospitable Centro that’s all-but-abandoned at night. Broken families. Some of the ugliest plazas in Mexico. A local government owned and operated by by greedy, corporate chain-stores. And boring, mid-century architecture, all strung together by a horrid rat’s-nest of wires and cables, strung from crazily tilted telephone poles that seem to be everywhere. The terrain is flat, virtually desert, and dry without a speck of green to relieve the monotony as you can see from the view below entering Pátzcuaro. Many have compared it to the dunes of Saudi Arabia, something I cannot personally verify.
Architecturally speaking, there’s nothing to see. With no consistent themes, roof styles, paint colors, or anything that might create a harmonious whole, Pátzcuaro is a hodge-podge of unremarkable buildings that would be at home on a commercial strip in any mid-50’s American suburb.
As you can see, the architecture is bland, modern, and completely utilitarian, with absolutely nothing built before about 1955.
The modern mega-churches, such as the one below, have no tradition and no link to the past, though their climate-control systems are state-of-the-art.
Between the Costcos, Wal*Marts, Best Buys, Home Depots, Kentucky Fried Chickens, Sanborns, Waldo’s Mart, Suburbias, Montes de Piedad, and other US and Mexican chains, all the wide, traffic-choked boulevards in Pátzcuaro could be in any newer American suburb. If you want boring consumerism, just stay in the good, ole USA.
With a flat, dull terrain surrounding it, the aridity of Pátzcuaro also ensures that there are never clouds or mist that could create, say, a beautiful sunrise. Simply not gonna happen.
Of course most of the people in Pátzcuaro work in insurance, tax preparation, or real estate and would easily pass unnoticed in some place like Burlington, Vermont as they rush off to their next business meeting.
Though avid devotees of their strip malls and chain stores, most Pátzcuarenses have no cultural outlet. There are no local crafts, artworks, dances, local music, or native festivals of any kind. Rumors of a big so-called “Day of the Dead” celebration are just that: rumors. Every November 2nd, residents stay home and balance their check books in preparation for the upcoming tax season. “Day of the Dead” just refers to the fact that there’s nothing interesting going on. In fact, Pátzcuaro’s November 2nd was recently voted “Most Boring Day of the Year in Mexico” by Chilango magazine.
Violent child-abuse is, sadly, a not uncommon sight in Pátzcuaro too.
As you can see from the below, there’s scarcely any evidence of community, family, or even a moment free from work in Pátzcuaro. The plaza’s pretty grim, too, with no fountains, trees or flowers. That may work in DF where people need a place to hold endless protests and strikes, but it’s not working here.
Pátzcuaro, of course, lies in central Mexico’s volcanic mountain range, and the constant eruptions (duly noted in the papers every day) create ever-present risk to life and property. The city is ringed with volcanoes, any of which could spell near-instant doom. A mere 67 years ago, a new volcano erupted in the town of Parícutin, Michoacan, a short 103 km away, and within weeks buried the entire village. Only the steeples of the church are now visible. Here in Pátzcuaro, the same could happen at any time, making Pátzcuaro into Mexico’s answer to Pompeii. That’d be great if you’re an archaeologist in the year 3514, but not so much fun if you’re one of the contorted bodies under the solidified lava.
So we’ve seen already a lot of the horrors of Pátzcuaro, but what’s the worst? It’s a tough choice to make, but it’s got to be the Plaza Grande at dusk. As night begins to fall, people flee this featureless, sterile, and unwelcoming public space for the comfort of their modern, concrete homes and their X-boxes, flat-screen TVs, and frozen dinners.
At dusk, the chain stores close, and the city officially rolls up the sidewalk. People flee the historic center and it turns into a virtual wasteland, with no beauty, color, entertainment, or restaurants. All the cafés are deserted and only highly suspicious characters are seen, if anyone is present at all.
Some of you may say, “But wait! Wasn’t Pátzcuaro declared a Pueblo Mágico by the Mexican government?” Oh, for heaven’s sake! That’s the biggest joke out there. You’ve read this far and you don’t realize that the local chamber of commerce simply bribed someone in DF to get the designation? How else do you think they lure rich tourists into Pátzcuaro to buy consumer electronics and other useless gadgets made in China? Sheesh!!! If you fall for that one, well, I can’t help you.
God knows why I even went to Pátzcuaro. I really should know better. Heck, I’ve been there three times now, and if boredom could kill, I’d be dead by now. But maybe it was my breakup with Edgar that gave me an internally repressed death wish. Who knows? But I’ve survived miraculously, and if there’s one thing sure in this life it’s this. If you value your sanity, if you value your family, if you value spending your vacation time having fun in a beautiful, historical environment rich with tradition DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVEN CONSIDER visiting Pátzcuaro. Consider yourselves warned.
The genesis of this post lies with comments made by “Felipe Zapata” in my last post (I’m Just a Sweet Transvestite) where he seeks to discourage further Gringo migration to Pátzcuaro. Since Felipe’s a good friend, I thought I’d help his cause by telling the plain, unvarnished truth. Saludos.
* Just to be hyper-clear, these folks were horsing around. Notice how the boy is smiling? And please, keep in mind, this post is a PARODY, mainly of the mainstream media in the USA, which typically doesn’t have a clue about Mexico. Pátzcuaro is a wonderful, peaceful place that’s well worth visiting. Sorry if you have misinterpreted the snide humor in this piece. No offense was intended to anyone.
Ricardo Rojas said:
I love patzcuaro
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Kim G said:
Hola Ricardo! I’ve been away from my blog for a while. Thanks for the comment. Cheers!
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Ariel da Silva said:
I’m from Patzcuaro, and I found this article very amusing. I laughed hard with the “most boring day of the year” designation by Chilango magazine, that one was priceless!!
At first I was intrigued and kind of baffled, but as soon as the first picture appeared after its description, it was very clear that you were being sarcastic. Great Piece!!
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Kim G said:
Hola Ariel!
Thanks so much for your comment. I had a lot of fun with that piece, but as you can see, not everyone got the joke. But I’m glad you did. Future comments should post immediately. Saludos and thanks for stopping by.
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Miguel Rivera said:
whoever wrote this commets, have no clue nor understands Mexico or simply ignorant. This type of ignorance just gives place in Mexico a bad reputation and lack of complete meaning to a place that I enjoyed with my family.
I hope that ignorance is not portrayed the beauty of this place and its originality and culture.
if you don’t understand the culture and its nature and how people preserve that to have a unique place untach by the 21 century monopoly then, you have no clue of simplistic nature.
Than I suggest you visit, las vegas nevada, holliwood california, new york city, Monocco, dubai, honkong, Washington Dc or China or tokio. I been in all those places and countries and I can tell you I enjoy nature and real things.
From and educated, humble and world of experince, I have to say Patzcuaro is woth visiting. my perspective.
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Kim G said:
Hola Miguel,
I agree with you about Pátzcuaro. It’s a lovely place. But the above was written as a parody, not of Mexico or Pátzcuaro, bur rather of US news media writing breathless and stupid things about Mexico.
Saludos and thanks for stopping by.
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William said:
I’ve been awaiting some posts on Guadalajara and beyond. I hope all the fuss over your Patzcuaro post hasn’t dampened your desire to blog.
Saludos y abrazos,
Bill
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Kim G said:
Hola Bill! Thanks for stopping back. Yes, I’ve been a very, very bad blogger!!! I do have some nice photos to post of Guadalajara, but not a TON to say. But I then went to Zacatecas, where things took a turn to the strange, and then onto Monterrey with Tino and Rodolfo. From there I’ve been to Houston where I spent the weekend with an old friend, though with me a bit sick for a day. Now I’m in Mobile, AL, which is charming. Saludos, and thanks for stopping by again! Hugs!
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lin said:
Hello. When I first read your blog I got pissed off, and then when I saw the two Mexican women entering church and the comment below, I finally got it. Glad you liked Pátzcuaro- what I would like to know, living in the hell hot area of Bacalar Lagoon, which is beautiful but unbearably hot- wondered if your recent travels through Mexico have any recommendations for areas not too gringo’ized that are at elevation and cooler that you recommend. That was a pretty funny blog once it was understood to be a parody. 😀
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Kim G said:
Hola Lin,
Wow! It’s hard to pick any one place that’s cooler than Bacalar Lagoon. Well, I suppose just about anywhere is cooler, but I’m guessing you’re asking something else. As you know, most of central Mexico is at altitude and as such has a pretty temperate climate. Of course Pátzcuaro is lovely, as is Morelia if you want a bigger city. My favorite place is Mexico City, but I’ve also got a soft spot in my heart for Zacatecas, which is GORGEOUS and cool. If you want to be in Southern Mexico, San Cristóbal de las Casas is lovely and also quite cool and foggy. Oaxaca is very nice, also quite temperate. Really, there’s a ton to choose from if cool is your only criterion. But you might want to check out the Magical Mexican Mountain Town tour series of blog posts for some insight into charming colonial towns at altitude. Saludos and thanks for stopping by!
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willc88 said:
Haha most boring day as voted by Chilango magazine. That’s quite a title! Really does sound like one of the most uninspiring places!
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Kim G said:
Hola Will! I’m glad you got the joke; some people didn’t. Saludos!
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Kim G said:
Hola Will! That was a bit of an inspiration, really making “Day of the Dead” into “dead,” as in “totally boring.” But yes, don’t ever go to Pátzcuaro unless you have absolutely NOTHING better to do. Including your laundry. Saludos!
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John Calypso said:
Kim- Yes – probably moving on from all this is the best move. Truly you cannot expect to make everyone happy – Bloggers need to have thick skin. There is a lot of good advice found here in your comments – Felipe and Tancho are pretty much right on I think. Satire is a tricky business – you have demonstrated that 😉
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Kim G said:
John, Indeed! Thanks for stopping back. I do need to get a new post up soon. Saludos!
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Tancho said:
And my last 2 cents, or 2 pesos if you will, as long as you don’t get offended.
My take on all the negative comments is that it was delivered with the same neglect that we see in the world today. By that I mean that it’s OK for them to pontificate but if you do it, then you are the evil guy. People for some reason no longer have the ability to look at both sides of the story without passing judgement immediately, period,
Don’t let anyone change your writing style, if people were offended then it’s their problem for not speaking out or doing something to change the offensive situations.
Blogs are no places for PC police or any other police.
That’s my opinion.
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Kim G said:
Hey Tancho! I always respect your opinion. I did make some edits to the piece. At the end of the day, for me, this isn’t about PC or non-PC. Rather I just consider folks who read this blog to be friends, and I don’t need to offend anyone. Recasting the satire away from violence and more toward banality suits me fine, and if it makes readers happier, all the better. I’m also mindful of the fact that the post stays up forever, or at least a long time, and that the potential for misunderstanding it also remains. It’ll be interesting to see how search engines catalog it, as computers are completely without any sense of irony. Saludos and thanks for adding to the discussion.
P.S. I sent out an e-mail to all the commenters here notifying them of my edits. You should have one too.
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lin said:
Wow, I never would have thought to write negative comments about your blog- before I figured it out, I thought, what an ugly American. Then I figured out that is what you are trying to avoid.
lol
keep on bloggin
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Kim G said:
Hola Lin! Yes, this blog post was misunderstood by a bunch of people who read it. I’m glad you managed to realize in the end that it was meant to be a parody. Saludos and thanks for stopping by. Subsequent comments should go through immediately if you use the same name/email/etc. Saludos!
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Felipe Zapata said:
Tancho: You are quite right, and it’s sad to see Kim knuckle under to this little minority.
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Kim G said:
Felipe: I wouldn’t characterize my response as “knuckling under.” Had I thought a little more carefully about cultural attitudes here in Mexico about narco-violence, I likely would have come up with something like what is now on the site, rather than the public first draft. As I said to Tancho, and which bears repeating, I think of my readers as friends and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. This is not about PC vs non-PC since I’ve approved every single comment on this topic. But if you still disagree, I respect that too. Saludos!
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Florentino said:
It was only until I read the footnote warning the readers that the post was a parody, that I finally understood that it was indeed a parody. Your writing style here is so much different from your usual posts that I was perplexed all along and couldn’t really understand the discrepancy between, for example, the picture of the sunrise and the text about the illuminated signs. Of course I’m not stupid and I knew that it was pure sarcasm — only I’m not sure whether it was necessary or desirable. Reading this post left me very sad. Perhaps because as a Mexican, I’m deeply sad, angry and distressed with all the violent incidents that I read about every day on the newspapers. A family from Santa Catarina was assaulted on the road just outside Ciudad Victoria a few days ago. It seems the man was on his way to the funeral of his mother in Tampico and he just couldn’t make it there because the robbers took his van, his money, and all their personal belongings. They kept him, his wife, and kids for hours or days of horror in some deserted place in the outskirts; fortunately the criminals showed some mercy and let them walk away. I miss so much those times when I could just get in the car and hit the road heading any place I wanted to visit. Now that is just not as easy. For some destinations close to my hometown, taking the road is the same as digging your own grave. That was my state of mind when I started reading your post, and as I read line after line, I was horrified that the same nightmare was happening in Patzcuaro, a place that I longed to visit (not so sure now). I worried that something very terrible had happened to you and the mere thought made me feel both very anxious and very sorry and ashamed that you had fallen a victim of the violent conditions now prevailing in my country. Now I know that everything was a joke but right now I don’t feel any better. Hopefully I soon will.
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Kim G said:
Hola Tino. This post was written as sort of complete opposite of what I thought the truth was, namely that Pátzcuaro is beautiful, peaceful, and functional. I thought that the pictures showing the complete opposite of the words would convey the message fairly clearly that this was an ironic post. But I’m beginning to worry a bit that I may have touched a few nerves in a way that was perhaps inappropriate. I know Mexico has lived through a few tough years, and for that reason sensibilities are different. In truth, Pátzcuaro is beautiful, peaceful, and a delightful place to visit. Don’t let my text convince you otherwise. Saludos and abrazos.
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William said:
I thoroughly enjoyed your satirical post, but satire is a very tricky thing. One of the most famous satires in all of literature, Jonathan Swift’s essay “A Modest Proposal”, suggested that hunger in Ireland could be alleviated if the poor sold their children as food. In spite of its outrageousness, some people believed that Swift was promoting cannibalism. In fact, the author was skewering the indifference of the rich to the plight of the poor.
Your beautiful pictures contradicted everything you wrote about Pátzcuaro, and you even explained at the end the inspiration for your post. But, I guess unless a person had actually read the back and forth of comments on the previous post, they might not be in on the “inside joke”, and be confused.
Saludos y abrazos,
Bill
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Kim G said:
Hola Bill! I remember reading “A Modest Proposal” in high school. I thought that the first picture in this post (no flat expanse of sand dunes, despite the text’s assertion of such) would make it immediately clear that this post wasn’t to be taken literally. But I think I overlooked the fact that Mexico is a bit shell-shocked from events of the past few years. Yes, things are much more peaceful now, but the painful memories linger. I do love Pátzcuaro and felt COMPLETELY safe there the entire time. I’m noodling over what to do about this situation. Saludos and thanks for your thoughtful comments.
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Felipe Zapata said:
You need not do anything about “this situation.” Move on, and write about Guadalajara. Don’t let a small number of touchy people distract you.
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Kim G said:
Felipe: I don’t want to offend anyone, and in particular, I think the references to narco-violence and corruption probably went across the line of good taste. So I’ve edited the post to refocus it on banality, and sent out an e-mail to the commenters. Overkill? Maybe. But I have no need to offend anyone, so I’m happy to make a few changes. Unfortunately, this probably means more Gringo hordes for you to deal with. Sorry. Saludos.
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Florentino said:
Hello, Kim, I appreciate your clarification. Like I said in the emails we exchanged, I consider you an excellent friend from whom I have learned a lot — we hit it off since the first time and this exchange of opinions will not endanger our friendship. I tell you again that, in my opinion, there is no need to edit/put down your post — just like any creative work, some people may like it and some people may not. No need for PC police. But certainly we all have a right to express our opinions. And I used my right. I just want to conclude by saying that occasionally what can be humorous for Americans may not be so for Mexicans. Every nation has a right to have their own “taboo” topics. All is well. “Viva la libertad de expresión”.
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Kim G said:
Thanks, Tino. I appreciate the follow-up.
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John Calypso said:
Your pictures and story reminded us so much of Xico where we live part of the year. It also is a magico city – even less visited and more of a secret. Stay away from these places 😉
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Kim G said:
Hola John! Thanks for the warning. I’ll be sure to avoid Xico at all costs. Saludos and thanks for stopping by!
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Tancho said:
Still trying to figure out how people can be wound up so tight…then again, look at how some countries are run and how the value systems are interpreted, no wonder the world is in the shape it’s in.
Hope you enjoyed GDL, it’s one of my favorites places and we visit it quite regularly.
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Kim G said:
Hola Tancho! I’m still in GDL, and enjoying it so far, though there’s a lot more modern architecture mixed with the old than I had expected. But I’ll be here for a few days yet. Saludos!
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Zempa said:
Those are real people, leading real lives, whom you’ve made frankly rather crude remarks about. These are people out worshipping, making a living, relaxing, and not one of them deserved, much less asked for, the treatment you’ve given them. That architecture which may strike you as boring is the work of hundreds of years of talent, sweat, labor, materials, and history. Do you have the first clue that Patzcuaro businesspeople have suffered in recent years due to the violence, that tourism has suffered deeply, and your remarks just aren’t as funny as you think? While Patzcuaro is safe at this minute, the reality is that every single person in that town knows of someone who has been a victim of extorsion, kidnapping and even worse. You aren’t helping the situation by posing as that fey out-of-towner on a lark, treating out lives with little respect.
“That’s the biggest joke out there. You’ve read this far and you don’t realize that the local narco-owned government simply bribed someone in DF to get the designation? ”
Shame on you. It’s time for you to go back home, gringo.
Meanwhile, I think it’s best that you remove that blog post and do some pretty quick apologizing.
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Kim G said:
Zempa: Thanks for the divergent viewpoint. I suggest you go back and look at the pictures, and at least consider the possibility that the post was tongue-in-cheek and that by going over-the-top I actually meant the opposite of the literal interpretation of the text. Do any of the buildings really look like mid-century (20th) concrete boxes? Are there really a ton of chain stores there? Do the photos of people relaxing in the plaza show a place that’s tranquil or paralyzed by violence? Have you ever actually been there? Saludos!
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Steve Cotton said:
Ah. The danger of the literal-minded. I know the reaction too well. I still have people asking me where they can see the body of Porfirio Diaz in Mexico City. As for me, I am still roaring. Great job, my boy.
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Kim G said:
Steve: Thanks for commenting. I just hope that the current trend of the people who get it continues to vastly outnumber the people who don’t. Saludos!
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Andean said:
And I’m still visiting regardless 😉 LOL
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Kim G said:
I admire your pluck!
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Tancho said:
Jeezsh, now I know why I enjoy living here. And understand why the world is the way it is…..
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Kim G said:
Tancho: LOL… It kinda surprised me too that it wasn’t completely obvious that I had written about how lovely Pátzcuaro is. Saludos and thanks for stopping by!
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Carlos said:
The risk of sarcasm like this is some people just don’t recognize it, even in spite of the pictures telling a different story. Unrecognized as the comments indicate, those who know better will just think you are stupid or recovering from a bad experience.
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Kim G said:
Carlos: don’t think I’m not stupid. You never know. I did venture into that place, you know. Three times!!!
In all seriousness, that’s why I footnoted the photo of the kid horsing around with his father. Saludos and thanks for stopping by!
P.S. Anyone who believes this is 100% serious probably doesn’t have the wits to survive in Mexico anyway and probably should stay NOB. (North of the Border)
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Felipe Zapata said:
You aren’t worth your weight in burritos. This is clearly tongue in cheek. Nobody will buy it.
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Kim G said:
Felipe: And here I thought you’d be the first to salute a blog post that finally (Finally!!!!) tells the truth on Pátzcuaro that you’ve been dying to have the world know. I’m SO disapointed by your reaction. Saludos!
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Felipe Zapata said:
Don’t be disappointed. You did a great job.
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Kim G said:
Felipe: thanks. As you can see from the comments, at least one person has changed his vacation plans to Reynosa. Saludos!
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NORM said:
That hell hole looks a lot like that hell hole I winter in down Guatemala way, just as unruly as well.
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Kim G said:
Norm: Sadly, there’s no shortage of hell-holes south of the border. The mainstream media (for once) has the story 100% correct. May God be with you in your Guatemalan hell-hole. Saludos!
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NORM said:
I doubt I’ll ever move south permanently, my roots are just too deep here in Ohio, family, friends, the summers are just lovely. Three months a year is about right for me, my friends in Antigua are always glad to see me again and I suspect they are glad to see me go. Antigua fills up in the winter months, gets a little hectic for the locals.
And trust me, the cities in my area here in Ohio are far more hazardous than the tourist spots in Guatemala, no matter what the media wants to sell. We joke that there are areas in Youngstown where we have to carry two pistols, in case the first one runs out.
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Kim G said:
Hola Norm: As Felipe enjoys pointing out, I have been on the fence about an actual move here for years, and I suspect I’ll be on that fence a bit longer. Though I don’t really have the same kinds of roots in Boston (only lived there since ’95), the summers are similar to Ohio, it would seem — warm during the days, cool at night, never too hot. Well, maybe a couple of days here and there. As for Youngstown, 2 pistols? LOL… But I’d imagine parts of Ohio can be a lot like Michael Moore’s movie about Flint. One of the sad truths about the auto industry is that tons of jobs have been lost over the years due to automation. It just takes fewer people to put together a car than it used to. Saludos and thanks for stopping by!
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patzman said:
Great factual story with corroborating photos. Glad you survived the dangers. It was a good idea you stopped to look at the coffins just in case. The coffin shop is at the entrance of town for a reason.
P.S.
Give me some idea what you were paid to write this so I know what to chip in.
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Kim G said:
Hola Patzman! I take this blogging thing *VERY* seriously. The coffin shop is a good thing to keep in mind, and I like your thinking on the location. Sadly, if you have to ask how much I was paid, you can’t afford to contribute. Saludos!
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Paul Bowman said:
Thanks for the warning. I have cancelled my plans to visit Patzquaro next week and will instead spend my vacation time in Reynosa.
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Kim G said:
Paul: You are FAR better off in Reynosa. I’m glad that I could save at least one vacation. Saludos & thanks for stopping by!
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Andean said:
Gringas can dress like Pátzcuarenses in the city, usually in the cooler months, it is style here, no? I may have a similar skirt, shoulder bag, and chal as the woman on the left. Now I know what to wear in Pátzcuaro when I visit.
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Kim G said:
When in Rome…
Hopefully you can fit right in. But remember, this is a dangerous, boring place with no redeeming qualities, so I don’t know why you would even consider a visit. Saludos and thanks for stopping by!
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Andean said:
Bored?! There is suppose to be a wonderful market. And, I read on another blog, of a woman that sells great homeade pastries. That, and a great cafécito by the square in the morning qualifies a visit. Saludos!
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Lee said:
I don’t know what’s more boring, your witless dull rants or your banal sick-making snapshots. I’ll never get back the time wasted on this dreck when I could have been looking at cat videos.
See, I can play opposite-ville myself. I think you know how I really feel. Keep the dreck coming.
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Kim G said:
Ah, Lee! Your sharp editor-eye spotted the formula. But it kinda, works, no? Thanks for your witty comment, and now go back to your cat videos! Saludos.
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Lee said:
I didn’t mean a word of it, but somehow I feel so much better now that I’ve unloaded a little rant. It was probably meant for someone else. Thanks for the outlet!
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Kim G said:
LOL…Any time!
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William said:
You had me laughing out loud! Great post!
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Kim G said:
Thanks, Bill! I give you some credit for engaging with Felipe on the last post, which is what gave me the inspiration to write this post the way I did. Thanks for all your wonderful comments and saludos!
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teguzchica said:
Oye! What a wonderful post! I don’t know which is better: this one or the one about the funeral director. Holy Mole. You are a talented writer and photographer.
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Kim G said:
Thanks, TeguzChica!!! You are too kind. I had fun writing this post. I think that’s the trick. I just need to find some kind of “angle,” and then the posts write themselves. Saludos and thanks for stopping by!
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