Dateline: Colonia Roma Sur, CDMX
A LOT has happened since I last wrote. And virtually all of it has upended my life. As you may recall, my stepfather died just before Christmas and I found myself having committed to stay with my mother through mid-February to help her grieve and to help figure out her next move in life. For a while, I was trying to persuade her to come to Mexico with me, and the fact that she was even willing to consider it came as a pleasant shock. Without my stepfather’s income, her financial situation has become less secure, but with her own resources she could live large in Mexico City.
On another front, Luis, my Mexican BF had accompanied me to California for Christmas and found himself still in Redding. The original plan had been to spend only three days there with mom and stepfather, then go to San Francisco, see the other half of my family, do some touring about, see friends, and then try to drive back to Boston in mid-January without ending up buried in a snowdrift. Unfortunately the trip, the situation with my mother, and some long-simmering older issues took their toll. Luis and I broke up in mid-January. Shortly thereafter he went to Phoenix, where he had worked in the past, and had friends, in hopes of finding a job there, or at least some kind of direction. So we sadly parted ways in the third week of January. I wish him well, but the breakup has been one more blow. When I met him, I really thought he might be “the one.”
But worse was to come. Right after my stepfather died, my mother succumbed to the stress and fatigue and came down with bronchitis. I said we should go to see her doctor. Turns out she didn’t have one, her previous doctor having retired a few years earlier. So I got her to an urgent care clinic, which gave her some antibiotics, and the bronchitis cleared up.
Meanwhile, I found her a regular doctor and set up an initial appointment. As part of the initial visit, mom was scheduled for a mammogram, something which she hadn’t had in years. The results weren’t pretty. A large lump was found, and various tests, scans, pokes and prods later, we learned that she had a large tumor, and a diagnosis of stage 3 metastatic inflammatory breast cancer. Ugh. My poor mother was now suffering her second big blow.
The process of getting the diagnosis took place in mid-March to mid-April, a time during which it became entirely clear that there was no way I’d be able to go back to my regular life; mom definitely needed me. She was already struggling to maintain the house, and now with cancer it was an entirely new challenge. During the time it took to get a full diagnosis and treatment plan, we worried endlessly about her cancer. The tumor is tennis-ball-sized and was described as “busy” by the surgeon. Chemo, even in the younger, is no picnic, and mom is officially old and getting a little frail. So we (or at least I) worried about whether she’d be able to survive chemo, never mind the cancer. And even if she survived the chemo, the cancer itself was still going to be tricky. Since it had already spread to a lymph node and lacked any distinct boundary, it was currently inoperable. That’s to say that the surgeon could find no clear line between healthy and cancerous tissue. So you can’t just cut out the tumor because you risk leaving cancerous and now-agitated cells behind. Worse, there appears to be skin involvement. That means that you have nothing to cover the wound with after a surgery. In short, it’s an ugly diagnosis.
For now, the plan is to do chemo for sixteen weeks, shrink the tumor, then surgery and then radiation. That is if everything works to plan. As of now, mom’s about halfway through chemo and taking it like a champ. Yeah, she’s lost her beautiful, long, red hair. But there’s been no nausea, no vomiting, no lethargy, no change in appetite, no nothing except hair loss. And the tumor is shrinking and softening. In short, the chemo is going as well as possible.
As for me, I’m taking care of her, having put my life on hold. But a lot of questions remain about my own future. At this very minute, I’m sitting in my apartment in Roma Sur, CDMX and in the process of moving out. I debated this internally for months. I really don’t want to give up the place. But it’s increasingly clear that I’m not going to be able to be here for a long time to come.
Since we’ve now got a rhythm with oncologist appointments and chemo (Mondays and Tuesdays) I was able to book a flight to Mexico City right after my mother’s last chemo. I arrived Wednesday night and plan to stay through Monday. That gives me some much-needed time away, the opportunity to see friends, and the chance to celebrate Gay Pride in Mexico City, something I’d hate to miss.
And I’ve really needed a break. Though I love my mother dearly, it’s been exhausting taking care of her. I’ve been doing all the cooking, cleaning, scheduling, and generally dealing with any problem that requires some stamina or concentration. Since mom’s become a smidgen forgetful, I’ve also attended all her doctors’ appointments, in the process filling a spiral notebook with comments, measurements and the like. And while my friends have been incredibly supportive, the nearest are a four hours drive away in San Francisco. It’s tough not having friends nearby.
But it’s been great to be back in CDMX, though bittersweet. The minute I dropped my stuff at the apartment, I went out for dinner in the Zona Rosa. Wow! All the people, traffic, and overall hubbub were totally energizing. In Redding, approximately six people a day walk past the house. Here, there are people wherever you look, and it’s a fantastic change. I’m a big-city boy at heart and it’s been tough living in a sterile suburban environment. Back in Mexico City I feel like I’m once again in my element.
I’ve also been very fortunate to be able to spend time with friends here. Yesterday I had breakfast with my upstairs neighbor and friend, Carole, a former Chicagoan who has lived here for twenty years and is now a Mexican citizen. She’s an adventurous soul having lived in many parts of Mexico, an inveterate traveler, and a delight to be with. I also got the chance to have lunch with Bill of Travels of a Retired Teacher. He and I used to hang out here quite regularly last Spring, but then we didn’t see each other for nearly a year. It was great to connect once again. And last night I got to have dinner with a friend who I met right after I moved here last year. His mother had just died two weeks ago, and we had a very empathetic conversation that lasted long into the night. Thank you, Alberto. I think it was healing for both of us.
Tomorrow I go to the Pride Celebration. Then I have to get serious about moving out of this place. It makes me very sad to leave it behind, but it makes no sense to keep paying rent when I have no idea when I could ever return. One suitcase is already packed. Sunday I’ll probably pack the second one. And then I’ll give away all the half-drunk bottles of tequila, scotch, and gin, along with the various and sundry other things that simply can’t be moved.
After that? I’ll bid a teary good by to my beloved Mexico City. For now at least.
Te quiero mucho aunque esté lejos.
P.S. I had avoided writing about this topic until it was OK with my mother.
florentinogutierrezr said:
Hi, Kim
I’m sure your mother is very happy to have you by her side again, after these days you spent in Mexico City. When I read your post I realized you had had such a tough time recently, and that’s why I decided to visit you and give a hand and a hug personally, because that’s what friends are for. Though my muscles and joints resented such intense walking, I enjoyed every minute of my stay. I know how much you regretted giving up the apartment, but I’m sure that you’ll be back soon and find another just as good, hopefully with your mother to enjoy it too.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Tino!
You are a true friend indeed, and I’ll never forget you coming to hang out in Mexico City with me. Despite my daily running, that long day of walking took it out of me too. (And since I run 2 miles a day for about 5 days a week, I feel vaguely cheated that I’m still achey after a long day of walking, haha.) But I had a fabulous time and only wish we could have spent a couple of days. But there will be time in the future. Saludos y un gran abrazote.
LikeLike
Cynthia said:
Kim,
I’m so very, very sorry to hear this terrible news. My heart goes out to you and especially your mother. Horrible diagnosis. So sorry!
I too have been living with my mother because my father had a minor stroke a couple of months ago, and my mother’s dementia has progressed to mid-stage. She defintely can not be on her own for more than a very short time. Fortunately, only my dad’s speech was affected, but at 87 he is extremely weak. Some of it is the stroke. Some of it was 6 weeks in the hospital. An hour of PT a day and 23 hours a day in bed isn’t much help. He’s hoping to come home, but he really needs to come to grips with moving which he has been aggressively avoiding.
Enough about me. Will be thinking about you and you mother.
Big hug, Cynthia
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Cynthia,
It’s SO nice to hear from you. I’ll send an email. I’m so sorry to hear about your parents. You and I are now both living the difficulty of being only children with ailing parents. It’s a tough job, probably tougher for you. Hugs and thanks for stopping by.
LikeLike
Laurie said:
I thought of you just 2 or 3 days ago. It was just a random thought. Where’s Kim? What’s up with him? It’s good to hear from you, even under trying circumstances. I have some acquitances in Redding. If you ever want to just sit back and here some awesome worship music, Bethel is the ticket in Redding. Hope the move goes well.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Laurie! Thank you so much for thinking of me. You are a sweetheart. Some day we’ll meet in person, at least I hope so. I’ll have to check out Bethel. Saludos y un abrazo.
LikeLiked by 1 person
tancho said:
Nice to hear that your mom is responding to the treatments, it’s tough anyway you look at it, and unfortunately you will have to respond accordingly. There are plenty of places in CDMX when you return some day, perhaps more permanently leaving those snowy sidewalks of Boston, and the stifling heat of Redding. You are a devoted son, you should be proud of.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Tancho,
Thanks for the comment. Yes, you are right about other apartments available. In fact, over the summer I wasn’t 100% satisfied with this place, though it has a LOT going for it. I did look around. When I return, I’m sure I’ll be able to find something appropriate. And I’m very much looking forward to not having to worry about the weather. Saludos and thanks for stopping by.
LikeLike
William said:
It was good to see you, Kim. Have a safe journey back to California. I hope for the best possible outcome for your mom, and do not forget to take care of YOURSELF too.
Saludos,
Bill
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Bill, It was a delight to see you too. I only wish I could also have seen Aleckz. But hopefully next time. Thanks for being available. We’ll meet up soon again. Saludos y un abrazo.
LikeLike
garydenness said:
Good to see you back. Sorry it’s not in a happier situation. An annus horrribilis indeed. Is moving mum to Mexico City a possibility? Perhaps once the treatment is at a stage that might permit a move…?
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Gary, Moving mom to Mexico City was indeed “Plan A,” but got derailed. Still, if she comes out of this OK, it’ll be back on the table. Even if I have to push her around the city in a wheelchair, her life here will be 100% more interesting than it is in Redding, CA. Saludos and thanks for stopping by.
LikeLike
Christine said:
You are a good son.
Just wondering why you didn’t consider a sub-lease for your Mexico apartment?
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Christine, the landlord won’t permit a sublease, and it’d be too much hassle anyway. I like the place, but there will be good or better options in the future.Saludos.
LikeLike
babsofsanmiguel said:
Kim, I knew there were problems, but NOTHING like this. Sorry you have to leave Cdmx for a bit, but, you’ll be back. The only advice that I can give, after going through my daughter’s experiences is to “Take it one day at a time”. Trying to figure out the future is futile and overwhelming.
Big hugs…………..Babs
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Barbara, You are very right about taking it one day at a time. It’s great advice, and I just need to follow it. I’m too worried about the future most of the time. Saludos and thanks for the hug.
LikeLike
Steve Cotton said:
Even though I knew a good deal of your post from our recent conversations, it was good to see you back at the computer. My hat is off to you because of your commitment to your mother. What you are doing is what we should all do with our loved ones. Share even the worst of times. They are far more rewarding than years of regret.
I wish I had time to get over your way this weekend, but I am teaching on Sunday.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Steve, There are so many people I’d like to see. One of the hardest things about living with my mother is that I am far from my friends. Fortunately, I have good friends in San Francisco, but that’s still 4 hours away. Saludos y un abrazo.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Felipe Zapata said:
Bienvenidos a México, señor. Brief as it appears to be. Were I you, I’d hold onto the apartment. You can afford it. Different strokes, I guess.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Felipe! You are the reason I held onto this place as long as I did. But given all that has happened, it just doesn’t make sense. And I’ll find something equally nice when I come back, or maybe something better. I’m also going to ask the landlord to email me if it becomes available again; he’d love to have me back. Otherwise I’ll have to find a place in Pátzcuaro and accelerate the “Gringification” there. Saludos.
LikeLike
Theresa Diaz Gray said:
Kim,
You and your mother have been on my mind lately. Unfortunately, I found myself on that good intentions path rather then the action taking one.
It’s a relief to hear that your mom’s cancer is responding to the tx, and that hair loss is the side effect. Not to underestimate the effect of losing handfuls of hair has on the psyche, it is rather disconcerting, but I’ve seen some really fabulous wigs.
regards,
Theresa
LikeLiked by 1 person
Kim G said:
Hola Theresa, thank you for thinking of me. Have you already been to NorCal and back? Not to worry. I’ve been more than busy. Saludos y un gran abrazo.
LikeLike
Alfredo Lanier said:
Perhaps you should consider a live-in/full time caregiver for your mom, to lift a load off everyone involved. Good luck.
al
LikeLiked by 1 person
Christine said:
I agree. Like they say on the airplane: first put on your own oxygen mask before helping others
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Al, Someone who could come from time to time would certainly be a good thing. My mother doesn’t really need a full-time caretaker, at least now. But we’ll see what the future brings. Saludos and thanks for stopping by.
LikeLike
Lee said:
Wow, Kim, this certainly hits home. Paul lost his mother in December and is still grieving. He’s still responsible for settling all her affairs. It’s been really rough. Then there are my parents, who live 100 miles away, and have their ups and downs. Managing them from afar is very tough — mom recently decided to stop driving, but so far all I have to do is arrange grocery delivery. Dad has been in and out of a nursing home and the nurse says he should be in hospice care, which is pretty shocking and they both refuse. We’re hoping they’re healthy enough in October to travel with us to Mexico, but that will be very dicey.
It’s good you’re maintaining your personal relationships. My folks were never very social and have no close friends at home despite having lived in the same 3 square mile area since the 1920s, which is a real problem at this stage. They have no one to talk to, much less lean on from time to time. You need your friends, if only to know someone cares for you and would notice your absence. We introverted types struggle with this.
Anyway, I’m glad to see you online again. It was only a week or so ago when I mused to Paul, “what ever happened to Gringo Suelto?”
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Lee,
Given my present situation, I can really identify with yours. My mother has very few friends too and it leaves her life much less rich than it might be. And it also puts more burden on me. Being here is a bit nerve wracking. I call my mother every day, but I’m still worried about if something happens. I’m so sorry to hear about Paul’s mother. As for taking your parents on the road, it’s probably not a great idea. One thing we tend to forget is that the elderly get very tired out by seemingly very little activity. My mother complains about being tired despite not having done much at all. I can’t imagine schlepping her to Mexico on a plane. Even using wheelchairs, porters, and taxis it’d be exhausting for her.
As for me, I haven’t written much because what’s going on with my mother is the biggest issue in my life now, and I didn’t want to write about it until I had checked with her. And yes, friends are the most important thing. Not to mention it’s fabulous to share your life with like-minded people. Thanks for your lovely comment. Saludos y un abrazo.
LikeLike
Barbara Lane said:
Oh Kim. I was so happy to find you’d posted again and then equally dismayed at your news. Bless your heart and your mother’s too. You are her angel in this. I know from experience, both as patient and care-giver, how grueling it is. Yet God said it came to pass, He didn’t say it came to stay. You will get through this. I know you know. Too, it may seem a time of indecision re the future, of having your life on hold and at loose ends so to speak. But remember it is ALL leading you somewhere, somewhere you need to be, just as you are now where you need to be. This is precious, precious time with your mother. What a gift you are to her! Hang in there and remember to breathe. I send abrazos and prayers to you and yours.
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Barbara,
You speak a lot of truth. You’re right in that it isn’t forever, though I think it will be a long time. But in the end it’s all part of some larger, mysterious plan. Thanks for your warm support. Saludos.
LikeLike
Rick May said:
Good to see a blog entry again, Kim!
LikeLike
Kim G said:
Hola Rick! If only it were a smidgen more cheery. Oh well. There will be other things to write about. Saludos!
LikeLike